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I danced with dolphins on Sunday. It was the ultimate celebration of my transition from student homeopath to practicing homeopath.

Connecting with these creatures has been on my proverbial bucket list since I can remember. You know the experience of building something up in your mind so much that the something can’t possibly meet your unreasonable expectations? This was NOT one of those situations.

I felt wild and big JOY, beyond what I imagined, in the presence of these gentle, loving, playful beings.

A woman with a dolphin

The Complexity of Joy

My relationship with joy is complex—as it is for so many humans.

I remember when I first heard Brené Brown discuss FOREBODING JOY, and I felt the truth of her words in my body, because a part of me believed joy is dangerous.

That part lived (and sometimes still lives) the story of self-protection. She kept me safe by tempering my joy, ensuring that it didn’t run too wild or get too big. She made sure negative thoughts, anxious feelings, or uncomfortable symptoms came with joy that got too wild and big, because then I couldn’t be vulnerable to losing it. You can’t lose something you don’t really have.

And I could still long for it. The void of longing was familiar, and we humans—in the absence of awareness & vitality—tend to create what’s familiar.

Not to mention the parts of me that felt undeserving of wild, big joy.

The complexity of joy is real.

On this day, though, in these moments with the dolphins, I felt my JOY wholeheartedly.

Buoyed by the dolphins and a lot of healing up to this point, I embodied my joy.

This is not to say that my self-protective parts weren’t there with Santini, Marina, Alita and me in the water. Internal Family Systems has taught me a lot about the power of turning toward and validating those parts, even as I connect and align more with the joyful, vital Kellie. I’m learning that I can fully embody joy and hold space for feelings that seem counter to that joy at the same time. This both/and consciousness (versus all-or-nothing thinking) and the acknowledgement of the complexity and nuance of our experiences is a welcome side-effect of healing, and a catalyst FOR healing as well. We can feel joy AND pain, joy AND sadness, joy AND fear, and still let our joyful, vital self lead the way.

My face says more than my words could ever say.

Dolphins let joy lead the way, and they reminded me that I can do it, too.